"A healthy relationship doesn’t drag you down; it inspires you to do better.” ~ Mandy Hale

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND ABUSE TRAUMA
​THE ART OF BREAKING THE CYCLE

Being in or witnessing violent or unhealthy relationships can be a traumatic experience for many, especially children. It's important to understand what domestic violence and abuse is - once we are able to define abuse, we can begin to understand what an unhealthy relationship looks like and take steps necessary to stop it from happening or repeating into adulthood. The terms abuse and violence are often used interchangeably - abuse can be violent, but for example, does not always involve physicality, which is often confused as a requirement for abuse. The word domestic means "of or relating to the running of a home or to family relations", but abuse can also occur outside the home and within any relationship whether married, dating, or in another professional or peer relationship. Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone; they do not discriminate, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied, especially in certain cultures.

There are different types of abuse:

• Physical - beating, slapping, kicking, choking, shoving, punching
• Verbal - constant criticism, shouting, humiliating, ignoring/not responding, teasing, name-calling, belittling
• Sexual/Rape - imposing the victim sex, unwanted sexual acts (sometimes required), degrading treatment
• Isolation - make it difficult for the victim to see their friends and relatives, monitor phone calls, reading mail, control the outputs, takes car keys
• Economic Control (often known as financial abuse) - not paying the bills, refusing to give money, making them ask for money, giving them allowance or taking money, not letting them work, interfering with the use of money for basic needs or items for children to control behavior, withholding child support, refusing to work and support the family, not letting them know about or having access to family income. squandering or gambling of money, using children as an economic bargaining chip in divorce
• Legal Abuse - threaten to call immigration, welfare, or child protective services; make demands on the court against the victim; keep the victim in trouble and court cases indirectly could withstand without being the aggressor; restraining orders
• Psychological/Emotional Abstinence (also known as mental or emotional abuse) - Can be the most hurtful even though unseen; scars are internal rather than external. This can include making you think you’re crazy by playing mind games, for example, denying your perceptions or saying you look good but calling you ugly the next day. They can also show no emotions or a lack of love/caring/praise and respect for the feelings/rights/opinions of others. Also, making light of the abuse and not taking concerns from their partners seriously, saying the abuse didn’t happen, and shifting responsibility for abusive behavior. Saying their partner caused it. This comes in the form of minimizing, denying, blaming, humiliating and/or criticizing.
• Neglect - This occurs when a person fails to provide for the basic needs of one or more dependent victims he or she is responsible for (adequate and appropriate food, shelter, clothing, hygiene, and love or care).
• Hate Crime - This involves verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse toward an individual or a group of individuals based solely on some characteristic they may share in common with others such as their religious or sexual affiliations or the color of their skin. Hate crimes involve scapegoating; the placing of blame for something that has occurred (or is believed to have occurred; whether or not it really has occurred) on an undeserving individual or group simply because they share characteristics with those alleged to have been involved in the upsetting event.

The purpose of power and control is the overall pattern of the cycle of violence and abuse. Abusers can establish power and maintain control through forms such as:

• Coercion – make the victim feel guilty, forcing the victim to make decisions, anger, manipulation of children and other family members, continued insistence on always being right, create “rules” impossible to follow and punish victim for breaking them
• Harassment – pursue or monitor, embarrass the victim in public, constantly observing everything that makes the victim, refusing to leave when asked

• Intimidation and Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving, leave themselves (threaten abandonment), or to scare them into dropping charges. Tactics are designed to scare you or children into submission such as making threatening looks and destructive behavior, actions, or gestures (smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting pets, being violent to other parent, or putting weapons on display, alcohol or drug abuse, commit suicide or threats to cause bodily harm to self or you/children, driving the car recklessly). The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences. They also abuse your trust - lying, breaking promises, hide important information, being unfaithful, being jealous, not sharing household responsibilities; and use their own children by making partner feel guilty about them, to relay messages, using visitation to harass partner, and threatening to take the children away.
• Minimizing/Denying/Blaming – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.
• Humiliation/Criticism – An abuser will do everything they can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. If you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming and making you feel guilty/humiliation, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode you and your child’s self-esteem and make you feel powerless. Children are used as confidants and a messenger, to get or give information to other parents.
• Isolation – In order to increase your dependence, an abusive partner will cut partner or children off from the outside world. They may control access to peers/friends, siblings, grandparents, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. They use jealousy to justify actions. This can sometimes looks like overprotective caring, which is used as an excuse, for example, if the abuser worries a lot about their partner or misses them if they go out alone.
• Adult Privilege/Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. An abuser may treat you like a child and your child like a servant, or even as his or her possession. An abuser can also be the one to define men’s and women’s roles. They will punish, boss around, always win, interrupt, and deny input in visitation and custody decisions.
• Using Institutions - Threatening punishment with/by God, courts, police, school, juvenile detention, foster homes, relatives, psych wards, welfare, and social services.

The "how" and cycle of violence and abuse includes these stages. The cycle continues and may start or end at either phase:

• Tension Building - Abused feels as though they are “walking on eggshells” or “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” Abuser is edgy, moody, easily irritated, easily unpredictable. There is an air of heightened anxiety.
• Acute or Chronic Abuse - This is the most violent stage: concentrated, intense emotional and verbal abuse, actual physical abuse; an explosion or eruption of the tension previously described. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss." This may last a day, a week, or even a month (short or long-term).
• Guilt/Excuses - After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his or her abusive behavior. Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.
• "Honeymoon" Normal Behavior - The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time. / Abuser says, “I’m sorry; I’ll never do it again.” They may blame abused for own actions with “If you wouldn’t...I wouldn’t get angry.” They want to make up with “hearts and flowers” or sex. Abused experiences many feelings from anger to love to confusion. They believe abuser will change..
• Fantasy, Planning, and Set-up - Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.

Specifically, children see or hear more than we are aware of and children often express difficult emotions with actions instead of words. There are several general reactions that children from violent homes are likely to show. The same emotional reaction can be acted out differently according to the child’s age. Read my page about child emotional development for more details.

• Constant anxiety (which can lead to Separation Anxiety or OCD) - Even when things are calm, one never knows the next fight will start. Sometimes, this is felt within the body through somatic symptoms like stomach aches and headaches or felt at specific times of the time (which often points to specific times of the day when abuse often occurs/ed).
• Guilt - Children also experience guilt over the good feelings they have about the abuser. They may feel responsible for not stopping the violence and for the violence itself, for being “disloyal” to family, for having negative feelings about one or both parents (messages from church, society that you must love both parents). A child might think, “If I had been a good girl/boy Daddy wouldn’t have hit Mommy” or “Daddy wouldn’t be crying.”
• Shame/Embarrassment - They may feel ashamed and embarrassed for being part of a “defective” family. Especially for older children, sensitivity to the stigma of spousal abuse may result in shame.

• Grief - Children who are separated from the abuser are in the process of grieving over the loss. Children may also grieve over losing the lifestyle and positive image of the abuser they had before the violence began.
• Ambivalence/Confusion - Not knowing how one feels or having two opposite emotions at the same time is very difficult for children. A child who says, “I don’t know how I feel about it,” may not be hedging but rather is confused about feelings. Child may also wonder who is responsible for taking care of them and get unpredictable reactions from adults, which leads to lack of trust and belief that relationship equals violence. Often, the abused parent becomes codependent or takes on the role of the enabler, who saves the abusive partner from the consequences of their behavior and takes on the responsibilities ignored by the abuser. This condition causes both parents to be inaccessible to children. These children are often deprived of attention, consistent and healthy discipline/guidance, and a loving trustworthy environment; causing feelings of confusion, guilt, rejections and isolation.
• Fear of abandonment - Children removed from one parent as a result of violent acts may have strong fears that the other parent could also leave them or die. Thus, a child may refuse to leave the predominant parent, even for short time periods. They may have specific night-time fears (when the violence may have occurred). They may also have fear of violence itself, of all men or women (depending on if father or mother was abuser), and of upheaval and the loss of family, of physical harm, or expressing feelings.
• Need for excessive adult attention - This need can be especially troublesome for mothers who are trying to deal with their own pain and decisions.
• Fear of physical harm to themselves - A significant percentage of witnessing children are also abused. They may worry that the abuser will find them and abduct them or harm them or that the abuser will be angry and retaliate when they return home.
• Worry about the future - The uncertainty within their daily lives may make children feel that life will continue to be unpredictable.
• Anger - for example, at father (for the violence), at the mother (for not being able to stop the violence), and at self (for not being able to protect mother).
• Powerlessness - to change things, for not being able to “fix” the family.

Finally, it’s important to understand that abusers are able to control their behavior – they do it all the time; it’s a choice they make which is often catered to fit their needs on why they abuse.

• Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love. It is said that they often “feed of” their self-esteem.
• Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as you’re alone.
• Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they’re able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it’s to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls).
• Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they won’t show. Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks won’t show.

An abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. They may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that they truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real. Equally important are the reasons for staying. People who have never been abused often wonder why a person wouldn’t just leave an abusive relationship and save themselves and their children. They don’t understand that leaving can be more complicated than it seems. Leaving is often the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse, because when a victim leaves, they are taking control and threatening the abusive partner’s power, which could cause the abusive partner to retaliate in very destructive ways. Aside from this danger, there are many reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. Here are just a few of the common ones:

• Fear - A person may be afraid of what will happen if they decide to leave the relationship.
• Believing Abuse is Normal - A person may not know what a healthy relationship looks like, perhaps from growing up in an environment where abuse was common, and they may not recognize that their relationship is unhealthy.
• Fear of Being Outed - If someone is in an LGBTQ relationship and has not yet come out to everyone, their partner may threaten to reveal this secret.
• Embarrassment or Shame - It’s often difficult for someone to admit that they’ve been abused. They may feel they’ve done something wrong by becoming involved with an abusive partner. They may also worry that their friends and family will judge them.
• Low Self-Esteem - When an abusive partner constantly puts someone down and blames them for the abuse, it can be easy for the victim to believe those statements and think that the abuse is their fault.
• Love - So often, the victim feels love for their abusive partner. They may have children with them and want to maintain their family. Abusive people can often be charming, especially at the beginning of a relationship, and the victim may hope that their partner will go back to being that person. They may only want the violence to stop, not for the relationship to end entirely.
• Cultural/Religious Reasons - Traditional gender roles supported by someone’s culture or religion may influence them to stay rather than end the relationship for fear of bringing shame upon their family.
• Language Barriers/Immigration Status - If a person is undocumented, they may fear that reporting the abuse will affect their immigration status. Also, if their first language isn’t English, it can be difficult to express the depth of their situation to others.
• Lack of Money/Resources - Financial abuse is common, and a victim may be financially dependent on their abusive partner. Without money, access to resources or even a place to go, it can seem impossible for them to leave the relationship. This feeling of helplessness can be especially strong if the person lives with their abusive partner.
• Disability - When someone is physically dependent on their abusive partner, they can feel that their well-being is connected to the relationship. This dependency could heavily influence their decision to stay in an abusive relationship.

​Abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a child, or an older adult – towards one another or children. Adults and children deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe. As a child therapist, it’s my goal to help children lead a hopeful and fearless life, being able to feel heard, understood, and express their thoughts and feelings in a safe and creative way. Together, we will discuss your mental health goals and create a safety plan in your family's best interest. If what you have read thus far resonates with you or for your child, please reach out.

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For more information or guidance,
​please give me a call at 818-533-1897 and email me at gb1105@gmail.com.